mommy mood swings series:3
Pink or blue for your nursery room
Ok, so let’s tackle the elephant in the room. The big
Voldemort of issues- especially in India; The one question which dare not be
asked but a lot of people are thinking. Do you want a girl child or a boy
child?
India is one of the few countries where pre natal sex
determination of foetus is not allowed. Female foeticide or preferential
foeticide is by no means restricted to India, around the world the female child
has been prejudiced , notably in China with the one child norm, many countries
in Africa and even in the developed countries. But here we’ve taken a stand of
sorts, a legal action against prenatal prejudice against women.
Somewhere around the time of the ‘banned’ “india’s daughter”
documentary on the delhi Rape victim, people across social media put up
statuses saying “I will never raise my daughter in this country” and the whole
“How safe are our daughters in India?” questions.
I wondered then, is it more difficult to raise a daughter or
a son in India?
Raising a daughter can be difficult from security point of
view but if we educate them well, give them a good sense of self, provide them
with opportunities, caution them early in life about ‘good touch’ and ‘bad
touch’ and arm them with a kick ass self defence routine, I think the girls
will come out fine.
But how do we raise a sensitive yet brave, kind yet
courageous boy in a patriarchial society?
Tom boyish girls are accepted, even encouraged in our
society. Girls are considered naturally sensitive and diffident, fgive them
enough competitive environment and academic stimulus and they turn out more or
less well rounded. Ok, so it may not be that simple, but it is a lot easier
than figuring out how to raise boys with equal parts compassion and competitiveness.
In a society which does not take kindly to ‘weak boys’, boys who would rather not throw stones at the
neighbours cat, the boys who would help out at home, boys who listened to their
parents about curfew timings and boys who let their emotions show, how do we
raise “good “boys?
In our society , and I don ot mean just in India – boys will
be boysis an accepted saying. “jaane do ladka hai” is an oft repeated phrase,
but is this not where the real problem lies?
Every time the issue of domestic violence and sexual
offenders and sexual harassment at offices is raised- the answer is always that
we must teach our men to respect women, teach our boys the meaning of the word
‘no’.
How then do we raise boys to learn the meaning of the word
‘no’ when society at large is bent on giving him a sense of entitlement.
“mammas boy” “sister’s chamcha” “tied to his wife’s pallu”
these are the words we use to tease the men who listen to their women. We
expect these men to revolt against women all through their childhood and then
expect them to respect women.
Boys must not play with dolls, girls can play with cars and
toy guns.
Boys must not cry, it’s a sign of weakness.
Boys must not go home early, clean their rooms, or sit in
one place- because to do these will be to obey, and boys must rebel.
Why? Because
that’s what boys do. That’s what generations of boys have done and to start
obeying now is not a norm, it’s an anomaly.
I have seen it at playgrounds, at social gatherings, at our neighbourhood
flag hoisting on Republic Day even. One mischievous boy leads the pack, and
soon it grows to a gang. One boy is held back by his mother, and he obeys. The
other mothers say what a good boy. The mischievous boy points and laughs
.”haha, GOOD BOY!” and soon all the other boys are laughing too. The ‘good boy’
jerks his hand away the next time his mother says “good boy” and says “ DON’T
CALL ME GOOD BOY, I AM NOT YOUR GOOD BOY!
“
Good is suddenly a
bad word.
What they should have done instead is singled out the
mischievous boy anfd called him BAD BOY. Singled him out rather than the boy
who listened to ghis mother, because no one likes to be singled out. We don’t
do that, why? Because as I said “boys are all mischievous” according to our
patriarchial society, it’s the boys who listen to their mothers who are the
anomaly.
The same thing when happens in a gang of girls, we
immediately pull out the ‘bad’ influence, because we assume all girls are ‘good
girls’.
Whatever the child psychology behind it, a bad boy and a
good girl are still coveted titles. Boys would still go around raising their
toy guns and saying “I am a bad boy , bang bang, and indulgent parents will
look on and say “ladka hai jaane do.”
How then do we raise ‘good boys’ and make these boys feel
valued and loved and above all RESPECTED for being good?
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