Birthday Retrospect : 2018 , Live a little before you settle
down.
Before we married , my husband and I had a deal, not exactly
a contractual agreement, but a sort of shared life motto so to say; of
experiencing destinations and travelling widely, and working hard but enjoying
the fruits of our labour , and to “LIVE “ a little before “SETTLING DOWN”.
How many of you have heard these lines ‘to live a little
before settling down’? I am guessing a lot of you, especially in India we tend
to say this a lot. Sometimes we say it to our parents, sometimes to our
friends. We don’t want to commit to a relationship – because we want to explore
all the possibilities and the probabilities of finding true romance before the
fire is doused by ‘settling down ‘ in marriage. We don’t want to commit to a
profession or a job, because we want to dabble in a number of things before we
finally ‘settle down ‘to the mundane-ness of a 9-5.
Basically once you commit to something, the living part is
lost. Living it UP and settling DOWN , are considered mutually exclusive
experiences.
For most people, setlling down meant marriage and kids. But I think somewhere in my mind, I
believed settling down meant being Financially tied down. Losing the freedom to
make spontaneous decisions, is what settling down meant, and while I could
still make spontaneous decisions married to a person ( and it would be fun to
decide to go somewhere on the spur of the moment, like how I surprised him with
a Kashmir trip), even post baby, we managed to fulfil our dreams of getting
international fellowships ( it definitely wasn’t easy, and we did get help from
family) and yet spontaneous splurges were a possibility.
But ,buying a house , for me was the surest sign of SETTLING
DOWN. We bought a house this year.and I struggled with the decision in the
beginning when we decided to buy a house.
Till then I had never had to pay EMI’s, and somehow because
of the media deluge about experiencing things not owning them, I had bought
into the Millenial motto of, “ Own experiences, not things.” For me a HOUSE was
definitely a THING, and one we could have avoided, and spent our hard earned
money earning EXPERIENCES not THINGs.
How many of you have heard of this line – “Want Happiness?
Spend your money on experience, not thing.” Google it, it’s called the PARADOX
of POSSESIONS. The study published in 2016 says that there are 3 reasons why
you should not spend on possesions; one, that we get used to new possesions,
and what was once shiny novel and new becomes the norm, second we keep raising
the bar , so once we buy a fancy phone we are always looking for the annual
upgraded model, and three there is always someone with a better one, a better
car, a better phone, a better house.
But, experiences. Experiences, they become a part of you,
they have the power to change you, your perspective, and become a part of your
identity ( trekker, marathon runner) and also the fleeting memories are more
valuable than actual objects.
But, we were going to spend our money on a THING , not an EXPERIENCE.
Is what I kept thinking when we finally got around to buying our first home in
April this year.
And then I realised, what a lot of sham it all was.
You could actually LIVE a little WHILE you were SETTLING
DOWN.
You can actually EXPERIENCE while buying an OBJECT.
Like the experience of searching hundreds and thousands of
furniture websites and comparing features and rates of everything from sofas to
ceiling fans. The experience of us buying our first furniture , the reclaimed
wood dining table. After we bought the dining table and chair, we decided to
match the house to the dining table !
Planning the house and it’s interiors was the most
creatively exhausting experience, so much so, that I stopped writing and
cooking to the complete dedication to painting acrylic and watercolour
paintings for our house. I wanted all the paintings in the house to be
clustered and all made by me.
Even after the house was ready we continued to experience ,
and yes, I had planned a family holiday to Singapore this year, but we spent
the money on ‘settling down’, but we continued to live it up in our new home.
In the last couple of months, I make it a point to have a
meal, mostly breakfasts , enjoying the sea view from our balcony , I take my
son splashing in the baby pool in the complex , and experience the sheer joy of
playing crocodile in the water, before he outgrows the baby pool. I enjoy my
Netflix, curled up in our new sofa, knowing that it won’t be new for long, and
I am making memories, of experiences within my purchase.
Do you get it? Buying an object ( like a cycle, or a bike)
may be materialistic, but the memories you make with the object, like teaching
your son to cycle, or riding in the rains on your bike, those are experiences
which get forever entangled in your purchased objects. Yes, a new model might
come by, the neighbour might have a better one, but it’s up to us to enjoy both
– the experiences and the objects. The memories attached to the object will
forever be a part of you and change you, and yes, become your identity aswell.
This year, I had plans of spending the money on a foreign
trip, but we bought a house instead. This is also the tenth year of me writing
these birthday retrospects, and each year I re-read some of them, and I can
immediately recall where I was sitting while I wrote them. The 25 year one, was
sitting in my Hostel Balcony wondering if tomorrow will be a better day, the 31
year one was a me sitting at my parents dining table, me just a month old
breastfeeding mom, and wondering if the night will be a peaceful one , and
today I write my 34 year retrospect, sitting on my suede sofa, looking at my
gorgeous coffee table ( what a rush it was to buy it on a spur-of-the-moment on
an online sale) , realising that I have well and nearly settled down and still
want to live a little.
Growing up, this year , has meant, understanding that
settling down and living a little can coexist, and objects that money can buy,
can coexist with priceless emotional experiences.
here are a few of my birthday retrospects down the years
Do share your own , live a little before you settle down moments!
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