I turn 40 today. And as I sit here, I am with one of the
most precious gifts that I have been able to give myself. My consciousness of
every single year over the past decade. Every single year , on the night of 16
september, I sit and right down what I am feeling , thinking, doing at that
time. It is like that notch on the wall to mark time. A ‘I was here’ kind of
mark .
It started when I was 25 years old. And it gave me so much
relief I started writing each year. Over the years it has helped so many others
reflect on their life , and so I started sharing my birthday retrospect.
Today as I leave my 30s and enter my 40s I printed out all
my birthday blogs from the last decade. A decade of life. An entire decade of
twists, falls, struggles – documented!
A lot of tears have been shed in the last 24 hours as I read
and remembered the last decade .
30 year old me – darling girl. Married, living in a rented
home, working for a multispeciality corporate hospital. Oh girl ! In 10 years
you will be a mother, own your own home, start working for yourself . damn
girl.
31 year old me – congratulations mama you are just 1 month
into motherhood, no job, living in your parents home, no idea if you will go
back to work or where and when, writing a birthday blog between breast feeding,
your baby boy is the center of everything, your entire life. Nothing else
matters darling, just soak in this moment, everything will work out, everything
will work out. Breathe, this time will never come back. You will work again,
you will go back to your home, yes you will be able to keep a living person
alive, you will not mess it up.
33 year old me- oh darling I feel your frustration, I feel
your stuckness. I should have been further along in my life, I should have
achieved more by now, I haven’t lived up to my fullest potential, my younger
self would be so disappointed in the life I have created for myself. If there
is a year I feel I could go back and help her would be the 2017 year old me. If
I had a mentor, guide Life coach at this stage, I could have saved myself so
much heart ache.
35 year old – oh Girl. Oh ! I hit rock bottom. Unsaveable,unreachable.
Thankyou for coming back to me. Thankyou for getting out of bed one more day. Its
ok if you didn’t live up that year, thankyou for surviving. Sometimes its ok to
just survive. Just keep breathing. You will find your way back to yourself. One
massive massive year of fighting for yourself. Thankyou sweet girl for swimming
back from rockbottom. It was soo hard. So hard. I would not be the person I am
today if it had not been for the work you did. I kneel to you, in gratitude. My
phoenix.
36 year old – Kundalini awakening. Its time to soar. The gifts
of this year ! I lived a 1000 lifetimes in this one year. There is no going
back. We are never going back!
39 year old me – Oh Dude ! talk about an upleveling. Unstoppable.
Relentless. Badass wild woman era. I will break every rule, every glass ceiling.
Watch me. Quantum leap year. Its time to leap, nothing, nothing can stop me. I
am going to claim back everything, i will burn down anything or anyone that is
standing in my way. Dracarys ! My Khaleesi.My year of expansion
40 year old me – my queendom stage. Its time to serve
others, show others the gift they hold within. Devote my life to higher source.
Namastasya Namastasya Namo Namaha. Shiva Consciousness . The universe is
working through me, my devotee stage. I finally understand the bliss of living
in surrender. Om namah shivaay. It is not about religion, religion is man made.
It is about the spiritual connection of me with everything that is divine. I believe.
And that is enough. My musafir and manzil stage.
As I sit and look back at the last 10 years. I realise the
only person who can witness me. Truly SEE me. Acknowledge me. Is me. And that
is why, gentle readers – document your life. Whether you like to write it in a
blog, or as facebook posts, or as pictures, or Instagram reels, or put pen to
paper and wite in a journal – the highest honour that you can give yourself is
not love, somedays you may love yourself, someday you might feel sorry for
yourself, somedays you will feel proud of yourself, somedays you will feel
frustrated with yourself. The highest honour you can give yourself is – to witness
yourself. Witness every action, emotion, reaction, inaction of yours. The highest
honour you can give anyone else is also being a witness to them. And thankyou
for witnessing me, thankyou for being a reader of my musings. I see you.
Live multidimensional,
Kuheli
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